Sadness, anger and indignation - I also have

As I said in another post, I am human and I am not happy every day because I have cancer. Some days I cry, I am angry, and I am angry at I don’t know even what. But it does not always happen. I remember that eight days after I discovered that I had ovarian cancer, I was still in the hospital and had woken up feeling very bad that day. The doctor on call came into the room to visit the patients. I was sitting on the bed eating my breakfast, a bowl of porridge.

The doctor came and asked me if I was OK, I said I wanted to ask her one thing. She said, go ahead. Then, I asked:
- Will I ever be cured?
- Excuse me, I didn’t understand. Can you repeat it, please?
This began to annoy me.
- Will I ever be cured from this cancer, healthy again? I want to know!
- Mrs. Viana, it is too early to say.
- Then, tell me what chance I have to live.
- What do you mean?
- Give me a percentage, 100%, 70%.... (my eyes were full of tears)
- You have a 50% chance.

This was a blow, a stab in my heart. I turned to face the other way and started looking at the bowl. The tears began to fall, and the desire I had was to throw the bowl on the face of that doctor.
- But Mrs. Viana, you are very young and strong.
I cried a lot that day. I was very angry at the doctor for telling me what I did not want to hear.
After I cried, the initial sadness started to dissipate and I said to myself: everyone has a 50% chance to die. There are people who die crossing the street, at home… so, I will take this chance and I will live. I will fight against this disease; I will use all the medical resources that exist. I want to live this 50% like everyone else, with cancer or without cancer.

At home, in the first weeks after the shock, when my heart begin to get tight, or evil thoughts try to take over my mind, I played a zumba CD that I received as a gift. My mood changed in a matter of minutes.

The second surgery I had in June was horrible. The recovery was slow and many times I cried alone and with Flávio. Gradually, the physical and emotional condition improved.
I don’t like to whine, especially here on this blog, but life is so full of ups and downs; although I like to talk more about the ups. When I don’t feel good, I try to do something to make myself feel better and lift myself up again.