6 de ago de 2012

Sadness, anger and indignation - I also have

As I said in another post, I am human and I am not happy every day because I have cancer. Some days I cry, I am angry, and I am angry at I don’t know even what. But it does not always happen. I remember that eight days after I discovered that I had ovarian cancer, I was still in the hospital and had woken up feeling very bad that day. The doctor on call came into the room to visit the patients. I was sitting on the bed eating my breakfast, a bowl of porridge.

The doctor came and asked me if I was OK, I said I wanted to ask her one thing. She said, go ahead. Then, I asked:
- Will I ever be cured?
- Excuse me, I didn’t understand. Can you repeat it, please?
This began to annoy me.
- Will I ever be cured from this cancer, healthy again? I want to know!
- Mrs. Viana, it is too early to say.
- Then, tell me what chance I have to live.
- What do you mean?
- Give me a percentage, 100%, 70%.... (my eyes were full of tears)
- You have a 50% chance.

This was a blow, a stab in my heart. I turned to face the other way and started looking at the bowl. The tears began to fall, and the desire I had was to throw the bowl on the face of that doctor.
- But Mrs. Viana, you are very young and strong.
I cried a lot that day. I was very angry at the doctor for telling me what I did not want to hear.
After I cried, the initial sadness started to dissipate and I said to myself: everyone has a 50% chance to die. There are people who die crossing the street, at home… so, I will take this chance and I will live. I will fight against this disease; I will use all the medical resources that exist. I want to live this 50% like everyone else, with cancer or without cancer.

At home, in the first weeks after the shock, when my heart begin to get tight, or evil thoughts try to take over my mind, I played a zumba CD that I received as a gift. My mood changed in a matter of minutes.

The second surgery I had in June was horrible. The recovery was slow and many times I cried alone and with Flávio. Gradually, the physical and emotional condition improved.
I don’t like to whine, especially here on this blog, but life is so full of ups and downs; although I like to talk more about the ups. When I don’t feel good, I try to do something to make myself feel better and lift myself up again.

3 Comente aqui:

Rosângela da Luz Matos disse...

Então,
Gostei desta postagem em inglês.
No modo de dizer aqui do nordeste, "o meu mesmo" é bem mediano, mas é uma outra superfície para fazer habitar as agonias desta luta com um grande e poderoso adversário.
Alguns tem em si mesmo o seu grande adversário, outros tem seu grande adversário num desamor profundo, outros na deriva intensa, sem laços, sem território algum.
Mas há trégua. Tudo o que vive, mesmo um poderoso adversário também precisa descansar.
Vc e a vida que tens saberão surpreender o adversário na hora precisa.
Heitor e Aquiles. A bela morte e a morte com deshonra.
É sempre bom voltar aos gregos, aos belos e corajoso gregos para dar as batalhas de nossa vida moderna um sopro e inspiração épica.
Força e muita, muita paciência.
A vida se afirmará a cada dia.
Rô e Sinval

Ivana disse...

Mesmo em outro idioma, Rô, esta postagem passa uma força gigantesca! Sei que esta força mora dentro de ti! Mesmo vivos e com saúde, conheço pessoas que jogam fora seus 50% todos os dias... Vc estará completa, 100%, muito em breve! E eu vou estar aqui pra ler este post!
Beijos!
Ivana

Ana Dantas disse...

Oi Roseane! Já li seu blog outras vezes, mas nunca deixei comentários. Mas hoje resolvi escrever pra você. Seu post me tocou profundamente. Ja vi em outros você reagindo bem à doença, preocupada com as unhas, enfim, te vi feliz mesmo com essa doença terrível. Como você mesma falou, todo mundo tem 50% de chance de morrer e eu vou pedir a Deus por você, pela sua vida, pra você ter sempre coragem de lutar pra vencer essa doença. É o que você quer, viver então Ele vai te abençoar e você vai conseguir se curar. Fica com Deus. Um forte abraço,
Ana